Challenges That Military Children Face: Tips for Parents

Military children experience unique challenges related to their parents’ service. However, there are ways to help children adapt.

Mcc

Mar 21, 2025 - 07:06

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Challenges That Military Children Face: Tips for Parents

April is the Month of the Military Child. Currently, more than 1.6 million children of military parents experience unique challenges and experiences related to their parents’ service, according to the U.S. Department of Defense.

An Interview about the Challenges That Military Children and Families Face

I recently interviewed Retired Army Colonel Deb Engerran, Psy.D., ABPP, about the special challenges that military children face, especially when their parents are on active duty. Colonel Engerran is an adult and pediatric psychologist, board-certified in child and adolescent psychology.

Q: What makes military children unique?

A: The military is a community comprising members from all over the United States. It has a built-in diversity of men and women from different backgrounds, heritages, and experiences, and military children benefit from this diversity.

To help military children adjust to the demands of their lives, it’s essential to know these facts:

Military children have unique challenges, such as their parents receiving new duty assignments every two to three years so that the family is required to move. Moving provides these children with opportunities to experience different parts of the U.S. and different countries outside of the U.S. As a result, they may have a more global or worldly perspective compared to their civilian peers.
In the military, members focus on succeeding as a “unit” with a culture of discipline and routine. Military children are exposed to this military culture that emphasizes being part of something bigger than oneself and highlights teamwork and cooperation.
Military children can experience frequent separation from their military parents due to military training and deployments.
Military children are twice as likely to join the military as their civilian peers.
Military children are incredibly resilient. They learn to adapt to new situations all the time. They are independent, but they build camaraderie with other military children at each new duty station.

Q: What are the challenges or sacrifices of being a military child?

A: Moving to a new duty station every two to three years brings the challenges of starting at new schools and having to make new friends. Military children attending public schools without a large military population may feel that few of their fellow students understand the stressors and challenges of their experience.

The military subculture is very different from civilian life. Parental absences due to deployments (9-12 months) or military training can bring added family responsibilities in addition to the emotional toll of the absent parent.

Changes in family dynamics, living situations or other adjustments may also coincide with parental deployment. Some families chose to move back home for the deployment year to live with extended family.

While this move provides added support for the family, it changes the family’s dynamics and includes another school change. Other families may shift family roles with the remaining parent serving as a single parent and/or older children taking on more responsibility. Military children are also faced with the situation of military parents dealing with the physical and psychological injuries of combat after they return home.

Q: What skills do military children have that others don’t? (e.g., resiliency or adaptability)

A: I wouldn’t view it as skills that other children don’t have. Military children may develop more skills due to the experiences and challenges they have by being involved in military life.

I think military family life provides exposure to experiences that hone those skills. The mindset of serving for the greater good, serving your nation and dedicating yourself to the mission of your team are critical components of military service.

Military children learn the camaraderie of military service culture, of being there for your brothers and sisters in arms. They learn resiliency in dealing with the ever-changing demands of multiple military moves, deployments and new living situations.

Military children must constantly start over in new schools, churches, neighborhoods or sports teams. Handling all these changes requires social and emotional intelligence, resiliency, and adaptability.

Military children make new friends at each new duty station but also have the support of other military children at the new duty station. Many military children even go on to serve in the military.

Q: Any advice for military parents raising children?

A: For military children, it’s important to establish routines that provide structure for children. These routines help children when other things are changing.

For example, even if you are in a new house or temporary housing, have your child follow a regular bedtime routine. Help your children to develop confidence and independence by teaching age-appropriate tasks, giving them chores or allowing them to help with family activities.

Encourage your child to develop a hobby or participate in a sport that they enjoy and can pursue from duty station to duty station. Many changes are outside of military children’s control so try to find opportunities for children to have control by allowing them to pick between two choices, such as picking dinner, picking a movie or participating in an activity.

Utilize family and children services on the military installation. Participate in activities and allow military children to feel a part of the military community.

Also, teach your children good listening and communication skills. Help them to learn about emotions and that everyone has emotions. Let them know that you are always there to listen without judgment.

Celebrate small milestones. Don’t wait for big moments; enjoy and celebrate the small ones.

Most importantly, be flexible. One of the most important things about being in a military family is that plans are always subject to change. If you have an outing planned and work calls, think about an alternate local activity that one parent can manage with the kids alone.

Q: What advice can you share about preparing children for moves and/or deployments?

A: Prepare children for transitions by explaining any upcoming events and helping them anticipate challenges. Include children in the planning and preparation for moves.

With younger children, visual cues such as a big calendar marked with key events can be helpful. For some children, it can be important to maintain key friendships and connections after military moves.

Military moves don’t always go as planned and often experience delays. In addition to their necessary clothes, allow children to bring one special toy or item. For younger children, that could be a stuffed animal or blanket.

Share information about the new location. Discuss what living there will be like and make a list of possible things to do.

Deployments can also include moving to a different family member’s home if the parents choose to stay with extended family members. For example, a single-parent military servicemember might choose to place children with other family members during deployment. In these cases, children are dealing with new living situations and schools in addition to their parents’ deployment.

Children’s reactions to deployment can vary greatly based on their age and developmental level. It is not uncommon for younger children to experience separation anxiety, temporarily display behaviors from a younger age (terrible twos), regress in toilet training and have problems sleeping through the night. Typically, these behaviors resolve themselves with time.

Many children experience negative emotions related to missing their parents and concern for their safety. School-age children may begin performing more poorly in school; adolescents may become angry or act out.

Maintaining a child’s normal schedule and family routine as much as possible during deployment is essential. Encourage children to talk about their feelings and fears and talk about yours as well. It’s good for kids to know that you are feeling sad or frustrated about the deployment.

Let children know their feelings are normal and keep reassuring them. Provide extra attention, care and physical closeness.

Recognize that each child may have a different way of coping with the deployment. Encourage them to stay active; help them develop fun activities to enjoy and stay busy.

Distraction is helpful. Find ways for your military children to stay connected to the deployed parent.

For younger kids, activities that help them to feel connected to a deployed parent include drawing pictures, writing notes, or recording a song or video. For older kids, it may be possible to send emails or letters or to make a phone call.

For items that can’t be sent, a gift box can be created to store those items until a deployed parent returns home.

Q: How can a parent address the fears of children regarding the safety of their deployed parent?

A: Based on the child’s age, answer questions about deployment in advance. Encourage your children to talk about their feelings and concerns; make the child feel as secure as possible while remaining truthful.

Depending on their age, your children may know concepts like war, soldiers and combat. Tell them that the fighting is happening very far away, and they are safe where they are. Let them know that their mom/dad is with their unit, and they are all working very hard to stay safe and come home.

Be sure to limiting your children’s access to the news, visual images of the conflict and adult conversations about the deployment. Be hopeful about the future.

Q: What is the value of seeking counseling for military children and families?

A: One of the benefits of military service is healthcare for family members, including behavioral health treatment. Military children and families can receive counseling through the Tricare system and through Military OneSource.

Military children experience stress from long separations from parents due to deployments and training, frequent moves, change schools, peer groups, and the general stress of life. However, counseling and therapy can address these stressors, relationship issues, concerns, mood-related issues that arise after tragedies or difficult life situations.

Therapy can also help when military children and their families experience significant life changes (such as deployment or divorce) or feelings of isolation. It can assist with adjustment or behavioral issues.

Counseling helps the children and other family members to develop skills and insights to address issues. Counseling is also a good way to help children develop resiliency in the future.